Goodbye

My grandmother passed away this morning.

For the first half of my life, she was a large influence. Micheal would get me on certain weekends, and we’d have to stay at her house because he didn’t have a place of his own. It’s sad, but I can’t remember much of my time there. I can’t even remember what most of the place looked like. But I remember my grandma. She was kind. Kind in the way grandmothers are. She always knew about what went on between my mom and Micheal, but she never brought it up. I think she knew that I was already at my limit when it came to that aspect of my life.

I don’t know all the details, but this morning she left this world. And as usual, it took a minute to weigh on me. I’ve always been proud of the command I’ve gained over my emotions. I was once such an emotional wreck. Now, I like to think I have a good handle on things. My brother let me know that she was gone though, and I could only hold for so long. I realized what a waste I’d been.

For several years now, I haven’t spoken to my grandmother. Not out of malice, or any sort of hatred or ill will. I was just trying to start my life. With college, bills, the minutiae of the day to day, I lost touch with several people. Unfortunately, she was one of them. And as I lay in bed this morning, it dawned on me. I had wasted all that time. I spoke to her once, when I had just started college. I don’t know what compelled me to pick up the phone that day and call her, but I got through to her and we just had a nice conversation. She said it had been good to hear my voice. She asked me how I was doing and where I was. I made certain she could reach me. And obviously, I could reach her. So why the hell didn’t I do it more often? All this time that I’ve wasted… to much.

So here I am, writing as I hold back tears because it’s all I know how to do. Write. Today will not be a good day. I’m sorry grandma. Lord take you, and may you find peace, wherever you are. I have so much more I want to put down on paper, to tell you. But that time is gone now. That will always burden me. But I’m glad I can recall our last conversation .It happened so long ago I can’t remember what exactly was said, but it was nice hearing your voice. It was nice knowing someone who had helped raise me still cared about me in some capacity, even though I had fallen out of touch.

Everyone, go and talk to someone today. Someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time. Just have a nice conversation. And tell them it’s nice to hear their voice.

Damn it, Hemingway…

I recently read an article on Cracked.com about how some crazy people made some crazy bets, and crazy things happened. Either the bet became so large that it affected the world in some deep and profound way, or it just helped shape the world as we know it today. It was an extremely well written article and I encourage you all to look it up. I’d give you the link, but for some reason WordPress.com is being finicky about links right now. Or maybe it’s just Cracked.com. Who knows, maybe they dated in the past and it was a bloody breakup. Who can say?

Anyway, they come to a point when they start talking about Hemingway. The writer. If you don’t know who this guy is, check him out. He’s a writer without equal, one of the old masters that every one tries to channel these days. I know I do, though I’ve never quite gotten the style down.

Back to the story, once upon a time a man walked into a bar and challenged Mr. Hemingway to do something no one had done before. Everyone knew that Hemingway could write a novel, but could he do it in six words or less? See, Hemingway was a master of writing novels and every other writer up until then had done as all the other writers had done before them and used as many words as they’d wanted. Well this fellow in the bar came up with a totally new way of looking at things. I doubt he even knew what he was doing… Or he was an alien messing with human history. Let’s be honest, if they exist I’m sure that’s all they do.

Well what did Hemingway do with this challenge? Did he let it defeat him and his skills? Did he roll over and let this man best him at his chosen craft? Did he give up the pen and move on to a life of regret and dejection from his fellow man!

…..

Of course not. Come on, it’s Hemingway.

He probably looked at the man, slammed a shot of jack or whatever the hell else he wanted to slam, and then looked dead through the man at the bar and said, “Challenge accepted!” Then he went home and knocked it out in a few minutes. Then he did whatever Hemingway did with his days. I don’t know the guy, so I can’t say what he did in his free time. Probably casual sex, drinking, and whatever else may have taken his fancy. But I digress.

So what did Hemingway write? What was this novel that could be contained in six words? At first, you probably don’t think it can be that good. After all, it’s only six words.

“For Sale: Babies shoes, never worn.”

Damn it, Hemingway…..

It kills me to know that there was once a man who knew the written word and story telling so well that he was able to just kill you in six words. A million and one images are conjured as soon as you read that line of text, and every single one fills you with… I don’t even know the word for it! Awe is as close as I come, and even that doesn’t do it justice. I guess I’ll just have to try myself. Maybe one day they’ll talk about the preposterous amount of emotion I’m able to conjure with just four words. Till then, I guess I’ll just keep putting these blogs out there….

“I exist, not live.”

Meh. I’ll give it another go when I’m not so tired.

Warlord.

I love the movie “Lord of War”. If you haven’t seen it, I’m going to spoil a fair bit of it in a minute, so you may want to go and take a look before continuing this particular post.

Anyway, this movie is about a man who sells guns illegally. It starts with him at home, just talking about his life, what he does, and what he’s doing. It’s all a resounding amount of nothing. He works for his parents at a restaurant they own, and he just exists. I’m sure most of you know that there’s a huge difference between existing and living. And this boy’s doing the former. He goes through his day just going through the motions, never knowing what he’s going to do next. Luckily, he lives in a seedier part of town, and one day he sees a man get shot. Two men, actually.

In his own words, he says he’d never actually seen anyone get shot before. He was always a minute late, or a minute early. He’d never seen a man become an empty vessel. Then one day, he walks in just before a couple of Hit men move on some gangster boss, and all he can do is cower against a wall as the two men unload a pair of AK’s on the guy. Idiots fire from the hip, miss every shot. Two full clips, and all they hit is air and furniture. What a bunch of gits… But I digress.

Well the boss man stands, calmly pulls out a pistol, and fires two into each man. Doesn’t even blink. That!… Is how you fire a damn gun.

As the boss surveys the room, he spots our protagonist huddled against the wall trying to become as small as possible. The boss points the pistol right at him, but then holsters his weapon. He knows this guy’s no threat. He sees him for what he is. Another man, just existing. So, he leaves. But our protagonist his dumbfounded. After all, how would you react if you’d just seen two men so coldly and smoothly killed? Would you be able to speak? In my generation, we might pull out a camera phone and start a shooting of our own. Of course, this would make us a witness to the shooting, so maybe we wouldn’t make it out of that particular event alive and well, but who can say?

So the soon to be “Lord of War” is shocked. He can’t even take the time to close his damn mouth. It’s here that he has a revelation. I love the way he puts it. He says, “It couldn’t have hit me harder if I’d been the one that’d been shot.” He sees all this, and the answer he lands on is, “I’m going to start dealing guns.”

The way he sees it, people open restaurants because we need to eat. It is mandatory that we eat. If we do not, our bodies will cease to function and we will blow away like so much dust getting swept out the front door. It’s here that we learn that we have another base need. The need for violence. We have to kill one another. The world will never stop spinning, the Sun will never stop shining, and the human race will never let a day pass when we aren’t blowing holes in our fellow man. We stab, beat, tear, incinerate, shred, and demolish one another in our constant pursuit for… I don’t even know.

So our protagonist becomes The Lord of War. A gun runner that slowly unravels under outside pressure. If you have seen it, you know what I mean. If you haven’t, and I haven’t ruined it for you, go and see. It’s worth the time.

Really though, it’s two things about that flick that keep me coming back. One I’ve already started in on, so let’s finish that one. But stay tuned, another’s coming after this commercial break.

I guess I’m just fascinated by what we’re able to do to one another. We’re violent and angry creatures, when the mood takes us, and that mood takes all to often. I think that it’s a sign of progress that most folk these days tend to shy away from fights. But we still have the violent ones around. Hell, I can attest to that. What is it that makes us so capable of violence? Why are we so tuned in to making rash and destructive choices? What the hell makes a man think that beating the shit out of his wife is a good decision to make? How does he even get to that point?

The more I sit and see this world around me, the more I think that we’re just a damn lost cause. We’re the most violent and destructive species on this planet, and by God I’d love to just call it good and start shooting…

But damn it, we’re also capable of the most profound acts of good and kindness. We create and build, and change our world not just for the worst, but sometimes we make the most beautiful things out of the worst situations. We have so completely altered this world and even though most will say it’s been for the worse, I say we’ve done our fair share of good too. Despite all that I’ve said, I still think that humans deserve a shot. We can be so great, if only we’d stop focusing on the bad. Let’s start bringing the good into light, and not the worse a situation has to offer. Instead of posting about how shitty our day was on Facebook, why not focus on the little bit of good that happened. Like that guy who held the door open for you. Or the woman who told you that buying that top was the last thing you wanted to do. There’s so much to redeem that bad, I just don’t think we focus on it enough…

There was another point I wanted to make about Lord of War, but I think I’ll save that one for another post. Don’t want to spread myself to thin. I know I was a bit of a downer in this one, but I think every now and again we have to sit and find out why things are shit. The few of you reading this probably know my birthday happened recently and I always like to use it as a benchmark to think about what I’m doing next, what I’m doing now, and what I’ve done. This year wasn’t so bad. I guess with the state of things, not so bad is pretty damn good. Thanks for reading and I hope to see you out there doing something good.

Celebrate yourself. No one else will.

Well, I’m 22 years old today. Two years into my second decade on this planet, and I have to say that it’s been a hell of a ride. I’ve seen a fair bit in this world of ours, and made a million and one friends. If I have any good quality, it’s that people tend to like me. I don’t think I’ll ever be much of a leader of men and women, but I’ve always been that guy you could just sit and shoot the breeze with. It’s been my experience that most folks just need to vent every now and again.

Lord knows, I’ve had to just unload every now and again. I can usually quell that nonsense, but sometimes even my dam breaks and I’m off blowing up somewhere. For a kid like me, that’s a serious betrayal to my up bringing. In my town, you hold that shit in. Having feels is akin to asking for an ass whooping. Hehe, it’s delightfully dysfunctional.

But enough about me and mine. I know I skipped last week, and for good reason, but I think I’ll just have to make this one short and call it good. I have a birthday to enjoy, and another two decades to plan. I’m hoping by forty I’ll have this immortality thing figured out. So till next week,

Let’s be honest. We all make it up as we go along.

I remember when I was a kid I’d go out and I’d see some people sitting in a restaurant, or a diner of some sorts. They’d just be sitting there, going about their day with their friends and family. Or who knows, all I know is they looked happy, and they were with people. But I remember one time thinking that I’d love to be that person. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to be that guy that was able to just sit at some cafe, or other type of eatery and have my friends about. Not worried, or mad, or feeling sorry for myself. Just at peace with the universe, and glad that I was in it.

Well, a few days ago I got to finally be that person. I walked to school, grabbed everything I needed for class, then went on a journey for food.

I was feeling like Chipotle that day, so I headed west and soon found the land of awesome burritos. I grabbed a steak burrito and headed out to the outer area. In PHX, that’s usually a damn stupid thing to do, but this particular Chipootle(What they call it on the streets) has some pretty sweet misters hanging out above the patio. So I was chilling off, eating my burrito and checking my phone when I looked up and saw a family walking in to grab some grub.

It was so surreal. All of a sudden, I was back to being eight years old, walking past some eatery and seeing a guy who just looked chill as all hell.

The kid just looked at me, then walked in. I saw myself from his point of view and all of a sudden I had one hell of a revelation. I have no friggin idea what I’m doing. I wake up, and make everything up as I go along, hoping that as I go I don’t mess things up to bad. Hell, even that trip for food was spur of the moment, and I only did so because my folks had seen fit to send cash for books that were cheaper now then they’d been a few weeks ago, so I actually had the scratch to get take out. My entire life I’d wanted to be the guy at the cafe, just having it all figured out and knowing what I was doing with myself. The guy that has a certain direction, and a damn good idea about what was around the corner.

But there I was, finally sitting and looking good at my eatery. My place of awesome burritos. And I still had no idea. It made me think about everything else I want. Was I chasing an illusion? Even when I thought about it later that night, I wondered if maybe I just wasn’t there yet. Maybe the guy at the cafe actually did have it all figured out, and I’d just looked it. I looked the part, but it was just a costume.

I hoped that was the case, but the more I thought about it, I knew that guy was just like me. No idea what was coming, and no idea what he was doing. Maybe at that point he knew he was hungry, but none of us can see what’s coming. But we can look the part. We can always look calm. Be that cool and collected dude. Way I see it, that guy at the cafe didn’t have it all figured out, but he had the whole world fooled. Hell, I know he had me thinking he knew what was going on. I probably even made that kid think the same thing I did.

End of the day, I guess all we can do is make ourselves look good for the other folk out there, and hope the world just goes with what we’re doing. Fake it till you make it kids. Fake it till you make it……

I’m going the balls to sleep.

All I need is Love

Expiration dates are funny. It’s a set date and time that tells you something is done. With milk, it’s letting you know that the amount of time you have to drink it has come to a close, and you may only do so now at the risk of bowel issues just a ways down the road. With condoms, it’s the date that tells you you had better just get a new one, or you’re going to be stuck with a cash sink later on in the year. Ha, there’s another one. Pregnancy. While I don’t think your wife or child are going to expire, in the traditional sense of the word, I do think that the set date is just as ominous, and just as telling about what’s to come. Be it bowel issues, a loss of cash, or a wait in the maternity ward, Expiration dates are something we deal with.

I guess this world wanted to throw me a curve though, as I’m dealing with one now I never thought I’d have to.

See, I started seeing this girl a while back, but she’s further along in her schooling then I am. As such, she’s going to get the hell out of dodge as soon as she graduates. Neither one of us thinks long distance works, so we’ve agreed a split would be best for all parties involved. So we have an Expiration date.

I don’t really know what to think about that. I mean, it’s not my first breakup, but is the first one that’s been planned by both people involved in the relationship. Every other break up has either just happened, or there have been signs, but never any set dates. Everything just kind of happened. With this though, I can see the end of the tracks. It sucks because I’m getting all melancholy before anything has even happened. I already have a bad habit of focusing on the bad in my life, but at least it only happens when bad shit is happening. This way, I can already see it coming, and it worries me.

But what can you do? If you know, tell me.

Actually… Don’t. They say the fun part of the journey is the journey itself, and not the end. So I guess I’ll just enjoy the Journey, and hope the end takes its time in getting here.

Fireworks

I need glasses to see. It mostly sucks. But one thing I’ve always like doing is taking my glasses off, and looking at lights from a distance. or stars. Things like that. It’s hard to describe, but I’ll take a crack at it anyway.

I guess the cones and rods in my eyes start to fracture images at a distance, so when I look at lights from far away, I begin to see the light cut up, like I’m looking at it through broken glass. It looks like a firework going off. So whenever I want to see the world in a new way, or when I want to just get a unique look at the world, I just take my glasses off and find a light source. Recently though, I’ve had a first. I’ve flown quite a bit in my life, just getting from place to place. But I always sleep though it, just to make the damn trip go faster.

As we were coming in last night though, my buds and I were talking, so I got to try my glasses trick this time. I gotta say, I hate the desert, but it looks damn pretty from a mile or so up. The plane even had to just cruise for a minute or so, so I got to see a whole city of lights. It’s my silver lining.

My eyes are shit, but I get to see the whole world in a way no one else gets to. And they’re getting shittier I guess. I saw an eye doctor a while ago, and he told me that I have a degenerative left cornea. My left eye is getting worse and worse. And my right is failing too, but not as fast. The doctor told me that I was going to start to see some dark edging in around my vision by fifteen years, and that I’d be legally blind if I didn’t get surgery in twenty five. I won’t lie, getting that news sucked. It scared me even. Scared me and sucked so much that I actually haven’t told anyone. Well, until now.

Still, fifteen years is a good chunk of time. All I have to do is make my millions in the next ten years, and I’ll be golden. Won’t lose my vision, and I’ll have the memories of flying over a world of fireworks. So I guess I’d better get on that. I’ll see you kids later.

Aliens. The Answer is Always Aliens.

This world exhausts me. Everything in it just annoys the hell out of me. And let me tell you, that just depresses the hell out of me. I’m a huge believer in the human spirit, and our drive to be great and better then we were in the past, but as we get more and more connected, I’m beginning to have my doubts. Recently, all I’ve seen in my world is negativity. Just hate, and people spewing it wherever they can be seen. Family and friends have even begun to irk me, and that’s something I had hoped would never happen. Friends who just say ignorant things, and family who do the same. It’s gotten so bad, I don’t even like going to my Facebook more then once or twice a day. It’s sad that something that was supposed to bring people together has begun to be used as a platform for whatever cause or crusade some asshat has that day.

We no longer focus on the good. We seem to gravitate to the bad, and then spout off about what it means to us. The Internet has given everyone in the world a mic, and I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not when it’s going to be abused, and used to fuel hate. I know that might make me sound like a bit of a hypocrite, as I’m writing a blog that just states my opinion, but I’m just a little past caring about that at this point. I’m tired of seeing hate, and violence, and just all the negativity in the world. Seriously, it’s become exhausting, and I’m just tired of it all.

What makes me so frustrated with the issue is that I don’t see it changing. We’re a cycle, and we’re going to repeat ourselves, and our history, until the end of time. We’re going to continue the cycle of destruction, then rebuilding, then destruction again until the sun goes out, and our world ends. It’ll just stop spinning, and we’re still going to do what we do best. We’ll kill one another for the last bits of land and food. We’ll go on great conquests to get livable patches of dirt for our people. Our family. But at the very end, we’re going to be killing one another. It seems that’s all we are really good at. Hell, the oldest story in the world is a murder. Cain and Abel just couldn’t settle their differences any other way.

We’ve gotten so good at it, that now it doesn’t even take any sort of physical prowess to end someones life. We just pull a trigger, and if we’re pointing a barrel in the right direction, someone is going to no longer be on this planet. Not in spirit anyway. We just get the sad sack that caught it.

I’ll always wonder what it’d be like, when humans finally get along, and quit fighting one another. I know it won’t happen, not in my lifetime. Hell, I doubt it’ll happen at all. But still, I can hope.

It’s funny, this whole line of thinking has me going back, when I was with a gal who’s married now. She was talking about how aliens in movies never seemed to make sense because they’d show up, subjugate us, then get killed by some inane thing, and sometimes it just plain wouldn’t make sense(Looking at you Independence Day). But it made me think that we would still win, just not through some deus ex machina. She kept asking me why, but I couldn’t really find the words to say why. Now that I’ve thought on it a bit, I think I have my reasoning.

We’re good at killing. It’s the only thing we’re good at. God help the species that finds us, if they find us. We strap bombs to our chest to kill people that disagree with us and our view of the world. We load planes with bombs and then suicide dive into enemy boats. We have people who go around and murder, rape, and rampage just because they can, and they want to. If some highly advanced species saw us, I’m sure they’d shudder. And then they’d get the hell out of dodge. They’d run and run, and never look back. We’d become the bogeyman. Hehe, maybe that’s the answer. We need something else to start stabbing.

More excuses.

So I haven’t uploaded in a while, and this time I actually have a reason for that. Between work, homework, and class, I’ve had just a bit of time to do what I want. While I can normally split this all up into a couple of games, writing, and sleep, I started writing about two weeks ago, and it’s begun to soak up all my free time. I guess I started writing a book.

I had no intention of starting something like this, but one day I sat down and this story just started pouring out of me. usually these creative bursts come and go, but with this new story it just hasn’t let up. Every time I think I might be stuck, some new character or plot hook just falls into my lap, and soon I’m off again. But, I haven’t completely abandoned this blog. But I am going to have to start making time for this again, which is unfortunate as it’s now just one more thing that I’m going to have to budget time for.

Crap.

Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be able to knock this out quick and proper. So, stay tuned. In the coming months, I might start linking you to a copy of my story.

In which I’m self deprecating.

There’s a whole world in my head. It’s massive. There are a million characters, and just as many locations. Book characters, fictional places, and heroes all make an appearance, but it’s mostly made up of people and places that I’ve created. Stories that I haven’t put down yet. Ideas that come into my head, and are then put away in my brain space until I’m nowhere near a place to store them.

It’s actually quite busy up there.

What’s so odd is that I’ve never really used any of them. I’ve put a few down, but for the most part, I just leave them floating around up there. It’s quite annoying. I would love to get all my ideas out into the world, but short of writing, I just don’t see it happening. Writing, however, just doesn’t give me the freedom I need. I would love to get a Hollywood budget and go nuts. Short of some freak accident though, I just don’t see it working out that way. My buds even tell me that quite a few of my ideas are pretty damn good too.

I guess I’m just frustrated that I think I have so much to put out into the world, but don’t have a way to share it in the medium I want, so I’ll never learn if the world wants to see what I have to offer.

I spend an inordinate amount of time wishing I were someone else, if only so I could get what’s in my head out of it. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being myself, (I do. I’m awesome.) I just want new hands that work. I also want new eyes while we’re at it. I can’t stand my glasses. I watch this vlogger that goes by the name of Jenna Marbles, and I loved how in one of her videos, she wants to know where she can turn in her skin so she can have the skin of someone else. Eva Mendez I think. It’s not important. What is important is that I think we need to fund this idea. Get born into a body you don’t like? Trade that bad boy in!

Really, I like how I think, and act, and how my brain space makes with the creating of things. But I’d love to not be in this body. It gets sweaty climbing stairs, my eyes are shot, and I’d love to have new skin. A body to match the personality. That’s all I ask.

Failing that, I guess I’ll just have to continue down the path of being so damn awesome it doesn’t matter how I look. It’s worked so far, and if you read some of my past blogs, you’ll see that I’m quite the charming devil. Emphasis on the devil part. (Ladies.) Oh well. We work with the tools that God gives us. I reckon I’ll make this work for me. Hell, I’ve already put the practice in.